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Photo Fridays: Giving Birth

February 26, 2010

i haven’t been dedicating my time to blogging like i used to.  this week was sort of  write-off; i’m not sure why.  writer’s block perhaps? there are days i get the urge to write and when i manage to sit in front of my computer, nothing really comes to mind.

today i’ve been trying to jump-start my love for blogging.  it seems that i have these great ideas for my blog like Throwback Thursdays (which I’ve sort of forgotten the past 2 thursdays) and my Weekly Baby Blitz series is starting to wind down because i’ve pretty much posted all that i can regarding baby stuff; or at least the important stuff.  the only consistent series i keep up with is Random Tuesdays because i love the unstructured approach and random blogs require no thought processes; just typing whatever is on my mind at that moment.

so i thought i’d add yet another series to my list of blog series:  Photo Fridays.  in these posts, i will post one picture new or old and blog about it.  welcome to the first installment.

kayla, just one minute old

i decided to start this series with one of my greatest accomplishments:  giving birth.  let me tell you, squeezing a little person out of your vagina is no easy feat; in fact it’s goddamn hard.  not only is your glory hole stretched to an inhuman size that no person should have to endure, but there’s the aftermath of hotdog-in-a-hallway syndrome, healing from being cut and the incredible back pain from the epidural that you so begged and welcomed during the agonizing labor pains.

i am not going to downgrade the difficulty of labor.  as like other women who have never experienced labor before, i knew going into it that it was going to fucking hard.  you know that there’s going to be pain but you just don’t know how much until you are in it.  some lucky women barely feel pain at all.  those women must have done something good in their former life or maybe cashed in all of their good deeds with God because he granted them mercy but i was not one of those women.  maybe in some ways, i have wronged the folks above because instead of just letting kayla drop out of my vagine and breeze through labor, i had to endure 14hrs of it, albiet about 10hrs of that i had the wonderfulness that is called The Epidural.  but the intial contractions were no fun; no fun at all.

on june 24, 2008 at precisely 8:10pm i started to feel some pain in my lower abdomen.  i had already had 3 false alarms so initially i didn’t think This Was It however, about 10 or 15mins later, i started feeling the pain radiate towards my back.  pain so bad that i was doubled over and couldn’t stand up straight.   i remember this clearly because the show “i survived a japanese game show” was on and at 8:10pm, i thought it was funny but at 8:20pm, i did not.  in fact, i thought it was fucking annoying and i wanted to throw the fucking tv out the window.

i will fast forward past DH all panicky and losing his shizz because i was in labor, having my water break when i was on the phone with MSH triage and then going to the hospital which was mercifully only about 3mins away.  by then, the contractions were getting pretty intense and i am no pussy when it comes to pain but this pain is something that i would not wish on any of my enemies.  if jack bauer felt this kind of pain whenever he was being held captive by some evil villian, he would have sold his family down the river to make it stop, i shit you not.  he would have gladly given up all of the US security/classified information and sold any amount of intel to the middle east.   no man could ever endure the pain that is called Labor.  that is why women rule all.

for one thing, when you go into labor you come to expect certain things:  the contractions, the pushing,  being hooked up to all sorts of machines that blink and beep.  what you do not expect is to have to check your dignity at the door because that’s pretty much what happens from the get go.  from when you are admitted to when you are discharged, your underwear is no where to be found.  you are constantly poked and prodded by hands or other unkind things that as soon as you see a nurse or doctor, your legs automatically open up as if your vagina has turned into Mardi Gras.  i am not kidding when i say that your legs are splayed open with your inner most parts displayed for all the world to see.  there’s a constant flurry of people going in and out of your room that they don’t even bother to close the door properly so if you think that the folks in the hallway can’t see how pink your taco really is, think again.  and to be honest, you are in so much pain and are so fucking tired from being up for hours that you don’t even care.  all you want is to get that baby out because sleep is the only thing on your mind.

so my labor went on for 14hrs and  i pushed for about 1.5hrs.  the pushing was really hard because i was completely numb from the waist down and it was incredibly frustrating because it felt like i was trying to fly out of my asshole all the while everyone was shouting at me to PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!  when i really wanted to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.  since i couldn’t really yell at the doctors or nurses, i ended up yelling at DH instead, something  to the effect of: STOP YELLING AT ME TO PUSH! I AM PUSHING!  THIS IS HARD!  I DON’T SEE YOU PUSHING A BABY OUT OF YOUR VAGINA! SHUT UP!!!

but after all was said and done,  my little monkey was born on june 25, 2008.  i remember thinking: oh thank God she’s healthy; now everyone get the fuck out because i want to sleep.  i remember lying there, legs splayed, about 5 or 6 people in the room and the doctor talking to the nurses while sewing me up. the conversation was light – not about the labor or baby but about something insignificant that i don’t remember.  he was so casual about it too, like he was sitting around sewing his shirt.  but instead of his shirt, it was my vagina.  i guess when you look at vaginas all day, you become desensitized and don’t see it as a vagina.  i wonder if male OBs get tired of looking at vaginas 24/7.  how do they find them sexy if it’s their work?  if you have any male friends who happen to be OBs, please ask that question for me.

so yes, my labor was 14 fucking hours.  i also got sick and ended up puking when i first had the epidural.  why do hospitals give you the stupidest barf bins?  i swear, it’s the size of one of those trays you use to make banana splits.  it doesn’t catch a thing and you end up with barf all over you.  do they not see that it only makes the nurse’s job more difficult because they are the ones who have to clean it/you up?  when i choked out that i was going to puke, she handed me this thing:

the grey area is where the barf is supposed to go

i am not artist but this is what it basically looks like.  the thing is so fucking small is it totally useless.  i was like:  get me a fucking garbage can motherfucker!  i’m not going to puke all lady-like; this bitch is gonna spew like a drunken sailor!!  and during my stint at the hospital, not only did i puke all over myself and had the nurse clean me/it up, i also bled all over this other nurse’s white shoes as she tried to help me to the bathroom (if you’re wondering about the volume of said bleeding, think Carrie at her prom) and flashed a pair of unsuspecting teens during their first day as volunteers as they snuck up on me when  i was coming out of the bathroom.  i saw the horrified look on their faces as they saw me hobbling towards my bed, blood running down my legs, the back of my gown wide open and my bare ass hanging out.  i wouldn’t be surprised if my labia was hanging down either.  the nurse says:  oh, i’m just giving a tour of the hospital to our newest volunteers to which i glanced back at them and said: “hello.  i just gave birth”.  if the sight of me didn’t scare these teenagers into having safe sex, then i don’t know what will.

while labor was so hard, seeing my little monkey every day makes it all worth it.  hope you enjoyed my first Photo Friday.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. keltie permalink
    February 28, 2010 2:02 pm

    you are hysterical and I am more terrified of childbirth than ever!

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