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stuck between a rock and a hard place

February 25, 2010
tags: ,

i am sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place and not in a good way.  that shady company is courting me to reconsider and their offer is quite appetizing.  the money is so good but is it worth the hassle?  based on my recent conversations with them, they don’t seem so shady but that could be the dollar signs blinding me; their musical voices that promises excitement and new challenges. like any IT project could promise that.  so today i have to call them to give them my decision but i haven’t gotten around to that yet because i just don’t know how to say it.  they’re giving me all the things that i’ve asked for so what could i possibly say?

having said that, i am also faced with another opportunity at a lower rate but with a company and director whom i trust completely.  the catch:  the project he wants to put me on begins march 1 so that would mean i have to psych myself up to join the work force in a few days.  i do not think i am quite ready yet.  there’s no rush to join this company because he said that he’ll take me back either way and find something for me so that’s good.  it’s just that his hands are tied with getting me a higher fee so that’s kind of a bummer.  do i go with good pay but potentially a ticking time-bomb?  or do i go the safe route which is closer to home and same fee which is still good but not as good as ticking-time bomb company?  i think my greed is just getting the better of me…. what to do????

you see, i feel stuck because i love being at home.  before i got pregnant, i had all these hopes and visions about what it would be like to be at home and it was nothing like how i thought it was.  i never thought that i would sink into that dreadful abyss like i did.  but now that things are better and my sanity is intact,  i absolutely love it.  this arrangement – with kayla being in daycare for the mornings leaving me free to enjoy some time to myself – is perfect.  i wake up, get her up, we spend some time together, drop her off at daycare and then go on about my business.  that could be anything from grocery shopping (which i should be doing now), to cleaning the house (which i should be doing now), to sleeping (which i should be doing now), to surfing the net or blogging (which i seem to be doing most of the time).  i just feel like this is what mat leave should have been like, not that fucking bullshit i went through all of last year.  i feel like i should have been this happy during my leave, not sad and a fucking train-wreck for all of 2009.  so i guess in a way, i’m delaying going back to work because i feel like my mat leave has just begun.  i am having SO MUCH FUN with kayla now, regardless of the bullshit sleep she has or the fact that she wants nothing to do with me kissing or hugging her because she’d rather kiss and hug elmo – a doll i might add, that doesn’t really talk becuse the batteries are dying nor can feed her or change her diaper but she looks at him like he’s her prince charming and i am merely the vessel from which she was brought into this world.  no fair.

so dear readers, i am stuck.  sort of.  i know what i want to do but i wonder if i’m making a mistake.  i’m trying to go with my gut but at this point, i don’t know what my gut is saying.  i have been out of the work force just under 2yrs – how easy will it be for me to get back in??

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