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what’s worse than ignorant people?

February 20, 2010


yes, it is way too early for me to be on the computer but DH is snoring like a bear and i got an email from that board’s moderator informing me that my post has been deleted due to the “onslaught of negative and bullying comments that have come through”.  those were the exact words.   can you fucking believe that?  i was surprised  that my post (and the other lady’s post as well) was removed yet the members who have openly and hurtfully disrespected this poor lady were not reprimanded (ie. bitch slapped account deleted).  it is so sad that boards like this exist because when you go to a board looking for help, you hope to find just that – help – not a barrage of haters telling you off andwhat a terrible person/mother/human you are.  seriously,  from the level of vehemence of these responses,  i was expecting my door to come crashing down with people weilding pitch forks and torches and shrieking that i should be burned at the stake.  for real, they were acting as though i went on that board and told them that i beat kayla every day and leave her unclothed and naked and starving out in the cold while i cuddle up and go to sleep in my bed.  sheesh, some people are so narrow-minded!  but anyway, i am done with that forum.  i do not want to be a member of a board that condones such behavior.  i hope they never find the sleep site i frequent because i don’t want to subject those menbers – who are wonderulf and helpful ladies – to that type of disgusting and horrid disrespect.


so i stumbled upon this baby forum that seemed to look like it had some good links and information.  i am always on the look-out for baby information that can help me with current and future hurdles that (may) occur.

i have seen a lot of forums because i’m a total internet freak but this one was  just plain awful.  posters slander other posters who are seeking help; telling them what they are doing is wrong, they’re an awful parent, they don’t deserve to have children etc etc.  how terrible is that?  to go onto a site desperate for help, looking for advice from been-there-done-that moms and leave with a feeling of inadequacy, hopelessness and unresolve?

this type of behavior is especially rampant in the sleep forum.  mothers go onto the board asking for advice and help but have to go through the barrage of hate-replies that are not helpful and are quite hurtful.   i was actually quite surprised at the lack of compassion from these women because from a mother to a mother, you know how hard it is to raise a child and passing judgment like that and saying such awful things is just….. wrong.

so this poor lady posts that she is trying a form of sleep training because for 10 months, she has been sleep deprived.  TEN MONTHS.  you never know what sleep deprivation is until you’re a mother.  think about the worst night of sleep you’ve had and multiply that by a thousand.  AND you have to help a baby sleep and stay asleep while you are functioning on zero sleep.  so this poor poster was looking for some support and success stories to help her through her tough times but instead, got called all sorts of horrible names and that she was a terrible mother to abuse her child like that etc etc.  so i decided to pipe up and give her the support she needed by telling her my story and how i went about sleep training and what i did.

let me say that sleep training is hard, but when done right, works.  i, too, got attacked with tons of respondents saying what a terrible person i am, that kayla is going to grow up a freakish, rebellious hellion, i didn’t deserve to have kids, i should no longer have any more children and i’m the ‘worst mother in the world’.  that one was my favorite.  all because i taught kayla a very valuable skill that she will have for the rest of her life.  seriously, who says shit like this?  such sheer ignorance is appalling – for others to judge one’s parental decisions who have no idea what is going on is just not something you do but alas, that’s what ignorance is.  the ironic thing is that while they are busy passing such judgment and saying such awful things, they are also posting about how sleepless their child is, how sleep deprived they are and what they can do to get their baby to sleep better.  so i responded with a new post that i have copy and pasted below.  it’ll be funny to see how many hate posts i know i will get as i am one of the rare people on this forum who believe in promoting healthy sleep habits.  the amount of ignorance is unreal – posters saying all sorts of things for which there is no substantial data to back it up and commenting on methods that they have no idea about nor do they wish to go and do some research about it.  if they hate the idea, their word is gospel and anyone who doesn’t share the same opinion are the spawn of satan.

I am posting this because my heart goes out to all mothers who have come on this board seeking advice/help with their babies who are having trouble sleeping.  Let me start off by saying that the information stated here is from personal experience and intensive research about healthy sleep habits and infant sleep.  I have read the responses to my previous posts and of course, saw all the haters out there who disagree with the decisions I’ve made.   Everyone is entitled to their opinion and however strongly you disagree with any sort of sleep training, that is your prerogative. I am not judging anyone on this forum; I am simply stating my experience, my knowledge and lending support to mothers who are coming onto this board seeking help.  I am not a doctor or sleep expert; I am a mother – just like you – who has suffered from sleep deprivation and has been at her breaking point due to lack of sleep.  I was tired from the sleepless nights, exhausted from my daughter’s frequent night wakings and terrible naps.  I was not happy, she was not happy, my husband was not happy and because of the extreme exhaustion, it was hard for me to be cheerful every day and every minute that my baby needed me.  I was an emotional wreck and a complete zombie from lack of sleep.

The decision to sleep train was right for my family and to all of you who are passing judgment on me – especially those who are calling me an awful parent, selfish, using all sorts of profanity to relay their message and even going so far as to say that I don’t deserve to have children – that is a personal attack and you have no right to say such horrible things.   No one has any right to judge someone they don’t even know or what situation they are in.  I do not judge any of you based on your beliefs or parental decisions.  You are your baby’s parent and whatever you decide is your business.  If you want to stay up all hours of the night with a screaming baby and suffer through years of sleep deprivation, who am I to say that is wrong?  If you decide that co-sleeping works for you, then good on you – I have no right to say otherwise.  If you decide to always lay down with your child until she falls asleep even if that takes hours, then that is your decision.  I will not say that is right or wrong.

Yes, sleep training was hard but after about 2 weeks, my daughter completely shifted from being a screaming, overtired baby to a happy and cheerful one.  Instead of being cranky all the time, she was cooing all the time.  All I know and all I care about is that my baby is happy and cheerful and she is getting the rest she needs.  We are able to go out and do things, have fun and she’s learning and growing at an incredible rate.  When we go out, I don’t have to push her around aimlessly in a stroller for hours to make her sleep – in fact, I don’t even bother to bring a stroller because she’d rather explore and run around and have fun.  I do not have to drive around for hours while she sleeps in the car seat instead, I am able to share her infectious laugh, hear her adorable voice, ask her questions and talk with her.  She does not scream and cry or throw tantrums because she’s overtired.  Because she’s getting the rest she needs, I am not up all hours of the night trying to get her to sleep nor do I have to deal with a screaming and overtired baby who just can’t be consoled.   Parenting is all about trial and error and I have made some mistakes along the way but teaching my daughter how to self-soothe and being firm with her sleep schedule is not one of them.  Say and think what you want but at 7:15pm every night, we do our night routine, kiss her good night, lay her in her crib, walk out of the room and she happily drifts off to sleep.  Sometimes we hear her talking or cooing or laughing and making animal sounds but she does not scream or cry.  My DH and I have time together.  We can go out to dinners, curl up on the sofa and watch tv or a movie and not have to worry about her waking up and needing one of us to go back to sleep.  Every morning around 6:30/7am, I am greeted by a happy, shining and smiling face because she is not tired from fragmented sleep due to multiple night wakings.    If she does happen to wake up, most of the time I never know because she goes right back to sleep on her own.  I know her sleep patterns well enough that if she ever does wake, something is wrong at which time I go in and see what is going on.  You see, once you know your baby can go to sleep on their own, the only time they wake up and cry is if something is wrong whether that be from a nightmare, teething pain, illness etc and not because she has woken up from overtiredness and needs you to go back to sleep. Because my daughter already knows how to self-soothe, I don’t have to worry about creating bad habits when I do go in and hold her or cuddle with her in the middle of the night.   It was hard work to get to this point but we are here and have been for many months and we are a happier family because of it and more importantly, my baby is much happier.

I know that all babies are different.  Some are natural sleepers, others grow into it on their own and some never do without any external help.  You as a parent have to decide what is right for your baby.  I feel the need to defend those who have decided to use some kind of sleep training method because I have been there before.  I know how awful it is to be so sleep deprived and the desperation mothers feel when they can’t get their baby to fall and stay asleep and have no idea what to do.  Motherhood is hard enough without having to suffer from chronic exhaustion.  I also feel the need to help those who are looking for advice on how to promote healthier sleep habits whether that be through sleep training or not.   We are all mothers who rely on each other’s experience and guidance from BTDT moms.  If we were all perfect parents who had perfectly sleeping babies, forums such as this wouldn’t exist.  You would not see any posts about frantic parents who are desperate to get their baby to sleep.

So to those who are looking to help your baby sleep better, there are many ways to do so whether that be no-cry or cry sleep methods.  If you are looking for support or advice, I suggest you not post them here unless you want to feel even worse than you do now.  Just know that there are other forums out there that can give advice without judgment, that can give you support without telling you what a horrible person you are and that will extend the compassion, assurance and hope you need to push through hard times, sleep or non-sleep related.  I will not promote these sites but if you want to know, PM me and I will give you the URL.  Do not feel ashamed of what you are doing to help your baby sleep better whether that be through sleep training or not.  Remember that you are your baby’s mother, you know what’s best for your baby and no one on this forum knows who you are, what your situation is or has the right to tell you what to do.  Don’t let their hurtful words discourage you or make you second-guess your decisions.  Do not apologize for what you are doing because if it’s working for your family, then it’s the right thing for you.

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