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how to increase your douchebag quotient

February 18, 2010

everyone has the potential to be a douchebag; it’s within us all and  most civilized folks keep that shit in check.  there are some out there who just don’t give a fuck and act douchbaggy because they don’t know any better, are self-absorbed or just get a kick out of it.  if you are a person of the latter, then you are probably some kind of sociopathic hellion who likes to kick babies and puppies for fun and you need to get yourself checked out pronto.

during my days of being a stay-at-home mom and having some time to myself in the mornings to run errands, i have come across some real douchebags both young and old.  the young ones you can sort of over-look because they’re probably just being rebellious and although you want to slap them in the face, most young douches have time to grow out of that phase with the proper parental guidance.  if said parental guidance is done by parental douchebags, then our society is in severe trouble.  the old douchbags are hard for me to take.  they’ve been around the block so to speak, therefore common sense would dictate that they would know the difference between being a decent human being and being a fucking douchebag.  makes sense right?  not only are the older douchebags, douchebags; they’re grumpy and miserable as well; like a PMSy douchebag – double whammy and a joy to encounter.

so dear readers, here are a list of douchebag’s finest traits (not in order of douchebagginess):

douchebag trait #1:  leaving your shopping cart in the parking spot that i am waiting for

must you be so fucking lazy as to not push your cart to the cart collection spot?  it’s like, RIGHT THERE.  you had the energy to push your cart to your car, load your groceries into your trunk, throw your bratty kids into their carseats and then you have the nerve to leave the shopping cart right in the parking spot that i KNOW you saw me waiting for?  oh, and pushing it off to the side doesn’t help either – i still can’t get into that fucking spot, asshole.  like i said:  parental douchebagginess only precipitates douchebag kids so teach your kids proper etiquette and put your fucking cart where it belongs.  i’m sure if you had to pay a quarter to get that  cart, you’d have no problem putting it back right?  not only does that mean you’re a douchebag, you’re a cheap douchebag too.

douchebag level:  9

forgiveness level: 0 if you’re relatively young, 8 if you’re old and withered

douchebag trait #2:  stealing parking spots

of all the douchebag moves, this is probably on  top of my list.  nothing pisses me off more than stealing my parking spot.  it’s blatent, rude and assholey and it’s just not something normal, caring, civilized human beings do.  it is not every driver for herself.  it is not about who is faster or the fact that you’re in a hurry.  it’s the fact that i was waiting for that spot and i know you saw me because you stared right at me as you pulled in and you are the fucking mother of all douchebags.   you might as well have gotten out of your car and screamed “slow ass chinese driver!” because it’s equally offensive.   it’s even worse when i have a baby in tow or it’s the holiday season and christmas madness is at an all-time high and my tolerance for bullshit is at an all-time low.  we should be able to round these people up, stick them in front of a huge line and be allowed to give them a swift drop kick in the ass as many times as we want.

douchebag level:  100000000000000

forgiveness level:  never.  in fact, it is highly likely i will key your car and throw down if i have to

douchebag trait #3:  cutting me off and then driving like an asshole

this is highly irritating.  i like to call myself a pretty good driver – i may not know which way is north, south, east or west but i do know how to drive and maneuver through traffic at high and low speeds and i do it well.  ignore the fact that i’ve been in about 3 accidents only 1 of which i take responsibilty for.  so when someone cuts me off and then drives like an asshole (read:  slow), i get pretty pissed off.  i feel no way about shouting obsenities and laying in on the horn.  if you are going to drive like an asshole, don’t be a douchebag and cut people off.  drive straight to the nearest DMV and get your license revoked because you don’t deserve to be on the road.

douchebag level:  8

forgiveness level:  6 if you’re old, 2 if you’re a young new driver, 0 if you’re a punk-ass teen

douchebag trait #4:  rudely brushing past my daughter as if you didn’t see her

it’s one thing to do this to an adult – still a douchebag thing to do – but to do it to a young toddler; let me correct that – to MY toddler?  oh no you didn’t.  some even go so far as to not even move their bag or coat out of the way, letting it almost if not, hit kayla in the face.  oh, i’ve had some ugly words with some people.   if you do not think that kids are cute; even if you don’t have any of your own, then you are dead inside and if you have a vagina, you should have it sewn shut immediately and should not be allowed to bear children.  i have noticed a lot of people that do this at the mall and act all annoyed and shit if a toddler gets in line of their path.  is it so much effort to just walk around them?  is it so annoying to see a cute kid waddle past you exploring new surroundings?  is it slowing you down from your mall-walking buddies?  if they are older, i feel sorry for their grandchildren if they have any at all.  if they are younger, i feel sorry for their kids if they have any at all.  these people must be pretty miserable about life and themselves to not be able to find joy in seeing young kids running around.

douchebag level:  9

forgiveness level: 10 if you honestly didn’t see her.  never if you did and pulled this douchebag move anyway and the next time i see you, i will punch you in the throat.

douchebag trait #5: budding in line at a store

when a new cash opens up and the cashier says “next in line”, they really mean the next person in line.  not the person who is at the end of the line and just doesn’t have the patience to wait like everyone else.  how are you more important than everyone else?  how is your time more valuable?  i’ll tell you:  it’s not.  everyone is busy.  everyone is in a rush to go somewhere, get something done, meet someone.  the world does not revolve around you so don’t be a douchebag and bud in line.  i guarantee you that everyone you cut in front of is sneering at you and muttering “asshole”, “fucker”, “motherfucker” or “douchebag” under their breath.  and they are not lying.

douchebag level:  9

forgiveness level:  never.  you obviously are an idiot therefore you are forever branded as a douchebag

douchebag trait #6: being a retail snob

ok, what’s the deal here?  why do some people who work at holt renfrew or any other shi-shi-poopoo store think they’re better than everyone else and won’t help normal-looking folk like me?  so what if i dress like a bum?  so what if i am rocking crocs with ill-fitting yoga pants and white socks?  does that mean i’m considered as the po’ folk?  you are working in RETAIL.  you make minimum wage, douchebag; what gives you the right to look down your nose at me?  folks in retail should really take the phrase “don’t shit where you eat” to heart because retail is all about sales and sales are all about commission and commission is all about word of mouth.  and i am all about the computer and the internet so if you are going to be a  douchebag to me and ignore me because of the way i look, i will go all viral on your ass and blog/tweet/facebook/youtube/myspace/friendster/everything i can think of to trash your name so you will get zero commission.

douchebag level:  8

forgiveness level:  not sure about this one.  depends on the level of douchebagginess.

douchebag trait #7 :  littering

although this is more along the lines of ignornace than douchebagginess, it’s still annoying.  why are people so goddamn lazy that they can’t hold onto their trash and then throw it into a garbage can?  look around you asshole; the world is falling apart.  there are toxins in our drinking water.  cancer is abundant.  our landfills are overflowing.  apocolypse is a pending doom.  and then they have the nerve to complain about the dirty streets, high taxes, global warming etc etc.

douchebag level:  6

forgiveness level:  4

douchebag trait #6:  consistently being late

being late once in a while for valid reasons is forgiveable, even more so if you call or warn ahead of time that you will be late or will probably be late because [insert valid reason here].  if you are consistently late and never give a reason nor have the courtesy to call and let others know, not only are you are a fucking douchebag but you have poor organization and time management skills and you need to get your shit together.  if i can cook,  feed my daughter, clean up after dinner, do her bed routine, get dressed, drive to the meeting location and still be on time – in fact, i’m usually early – then i should think that you can do the same.  especially if you have no children.  i have been late on some occasions but i have always warned my friends that i will be late because i have to put kayla to sleep so i tend to give them a range of when i’ll show up.  i usually go with the later time in case i actually do run really late which has happened before.

when you are consistently late, you make others feel that their time is not important.  we do not have time to sit around waiting for your ass to show up.  in fact, consistently late people just make others not want to hang out with them.  they are late on purpose because they know you are going to be late anyway so they don’t even bother to rush.  late-comers:  do not turn us into douchebags to compensate for your douchebag trait!   plan ahead!  call when you know you’re going to be late or if you know you won’t be able to make it on time.   don’t think we are stupid that we’ll believe you’re “just around the corner” when in fact you haven’t even left your house.   if you do this, you can count on not receiving a phone call the next time people get together.

douchebag level:  9

forgiveness level:  10 if you have a valid reason or have given a warning ahead of time; 9 if it’s your first offense; 0 if you’re a repeat offender who never bothers to call.  in fact, i won’t be calling you to go out anymore because you’re seen as an unreliable turd in my books.

so the question is:  how many traits can you identify with?  if you see yourself doing most of these, then fuck off and don’t read my blog anymore because there is no place for douchebags here.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 18, 2010 3:38 pm

    From my own personal experience…..people that take the spot in front of the spot they’re in because they don’t want to back out from the original spot….and when they notice that I was about to turn into said spot, just look blankly, smile and turn the ignition off!!!!!

    • February 18, 2010 7:15 pm

      or what about the pricks who park thisclose to your car so that you need a frigging can opener to get your door open?

  2. keltie permalink
    February 20, 2010 6:15 pm

    I hate late people, hate, hate, hate! There are a grillion ways to get a hold of people, there is zero excuse for being late and not calling. But for fuck sakes, just be on time! Organize yourself! I’m with you, Kathy, unreliable people are out of my life.

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