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my own happiness project (minus the book)

February 15, 2010

so leesh wanted to know what everyone was doing this month for the happiness project that she’s a part of.  well, i haven’t read the book nor do i have it but i guess you can say that i’ve been doing my own kind of happiness project since the beginning of january 2010.

since the new year began, i’ve been feeling awesome;  like the way i used to feel before this depression kicked my ass in 2009.  i don’t know why but i feel that since i’ve conquered this terrible disease (for the most part), i have this amazing clarity that i haven’t felt in years;  i am a different person, that i know.  i had two sides of me:  a nice, loyal, kind person and The Bitch.  The Bitch was cold and cruel at times, hard and callous.  and i felt no way about being that way to others if i felt they deserved it.  but now things are different; The Bitch is somewhat of a recluse now; only making her appearance when absolutely necessary and even then, she’s a bit reluctant.  it’s almost like my heart grew bigger and my mind opened because i feel more.  does that make sense?  i’m more emotional and …. softer.  not quite pussy-like but just not as hard-edged.

anyway, back to the happiness project.  so since said awesomeness, i have been trying to simplify my life by accepting things and just living life.  enjoying every moment with family and friends.  keeping in touch.  telling everyone i love them.  taking care of myself.  sounds easy doesn’t it?  but if you really think about it, these are things that often – and unconsciously – get put on the back-burner because the grind of daily life usually blinds us from what is supposed to come naturally.

accepting things for what they are. for me, “accepting things” means not really analyzing or understanding the details behind something which not in my character.  i am analytical by nature so just accepting something for what it is is uncomfortable.  when you have a child, this is how you pretty much have to be in order to stay sane;  babies are unpredictable and there is never a ‘right answer’ so you must accept what happens and chalk it up to your baby being a baby.  that didn’t well right with me; when kayla didn’t sleep well, i spent hours researching to find the right answer.  when kayla didn’t eat well, i interviewed tons of friends, consulted with my doctors and looked on the internet to find the reason(s) why and how i can fix it.  when kayla was fussy or did something that wasn’t the norm, it freaked me out.  a large part of my behavior was due to my depression and OCD but i am at a point now where i am happy and i’m able to cope with things so therefore, i am able to accept and adapt.  for example, i have been ‘breaking the rules’ so to speak these days.  kayla has been sick and not napping or sleeping well so i have thrown out my sleep rules temporarily and have tried numerous times to help her to sleep.  in the past, i would never have thought of that because i was terrified of what may happen to her schedule or that she’d get used to it and i’d have to sleep train her all over again but after she gets better i’m probably going to have to do some re-training anyway so it doesn’t matter either way.

organizing my home. despite the pictures you see on my blog, i do like a clean, organized home.  it’s just that with everything i have to do sometimes it’s easier to just throw things in a corner and leave it for later.  and when later comes, i sometimes don’t even get to it so those things in that corner just keep piling up.  so i have started to clean, organize and purge.  i recently unloaded a bunch of baby stuff to a friend who will be in need pretty soon; i have gathered items for donation and gave them to a friend who is collecting for the relief in haiti; i have thrown out my old makeup *sniff* and as much as that hurt, i  had to do it.  my closet is better – free of all that shit that piled up from christmas and my side of the bed, while still a bit messy is now tolerable.  i have also started to organize kayla’s closet so i can find things quickly and easily.  our hallway is clear except a bag of clothes that will hopefully be gone when we have the clothes-swap party.  so i am happy that my house which used to look like a hoarding mess is on its way to become the organized home it used to be (sort of).

no drama.  who would think that drama exists in our 30s?  i mean, didn’t we leave that shit behind in high school?  in any case, i do not want drama in my life nor do i need it.  2010 is all about focusing on getting better and if that means i have to say good-bye to those who seem to attract drama then so be it.  while those friendships will be missed,  it’s better this this way – i have to focus on myself, my health, family and friends and drama has no place in my life.  i have never been one to thrive in drama – in fact, i stayed away from it and those who caused it but for some reason, drama just seems to find me once in a while.  these days, i just don’t have time or the energy for that bullshit – i don’t need toxic or negative people in my life because i don’t want to go back to The Bad Place ever again and keeping my life free of such things will help me during my recovery.

living for each day. when i was depressed, i would focus on all the bad things that could happen, forgetting about what was happening around me and i was so unhappy.  life became bleak and i dreaded every day.  i no longer found happiness in living or having a family for that matter because i was stumbling around in the darkness of my mind.  now that things are better, i am finally able to enjoy everything; everyone and i am able to live each day to the fullest.  when things go bad, i sometimes lose my shizz but it’s nowhere near as bad as before.  i look forward to each day and enjoy every moment.  life has never been better!

doing things for myself. in 2009 i did nothing for myself; mostly because i had lost the joy that i used to feel for the things i liked such as massage, spa-ing with my girls, reading, spending time with family and friends… basically living life.  the depression just sucked the energy out of me and everything that required any sort of effort was just too exhausting.  so i gave up on reading.  crafting.  enjoying outings.  living life.  but now, i am back to doing everything i once loved and have a bigger passion and appreciation for it.  i am still searching for a good book to read however, i find myself gravitating back to the twilight series and re-reading all the good parts.

speaking honestly. i have never had trouble with this however, i have noticed that i now speak with little or no ‘filter’.  perhaps it’s from my sessions with my psychiatrist in which i speak my mind – uncensored – that i now apply this to my everyday conversations.  sometimes i find that it offends people and i try to remember to turn the filter ‘on’ but most times, i just tell it like it is.  DH sometimes has a problem with it especially when we argue because i used to rephrase things so that the words don’t hurt as much but now, i just let it all out.  while speaking honestly feels cathartic to me, it can often hurt others because let’s face it – the truth is ugly.

going back to work. although this is not what i define as ‘happiness’, i do find joy in the work i do.  my job does define me to some degree; although not as much as it used to.  while i don’t really see it now, i’ll probably be glad to break free of the daily grind of motherhood; don’t get me wrong – i LOVE being with kayla but sometimes it’s nice to have some adult conversation and stimulation for a larger part of the day and i know it’ll make me appreciate my time with kayla because i won’t be able to spend as much time with her as i do now.

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