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ring of fire

January 17, 2010

well folks, i seem to have a pretty bad case of the shits.  it started yesterday with mild cramps in my lower stomach and pretty bad cramps in my lower back.  sort of like how it felt when i first started going into labour.  and no i am not pregnant.

today, i’ve had to make a mad dash to the bathroom i’d say close to, if not over, 15 times.  this is not good.  of course, this has to happen on a weekend when the doctor’s office is closed and the walk-in clinics are jammed.  i have no other symptoms other than peeing out of my arse.  well, mild cramps but no fever, nausea, chills, vomiting or any of the symptoms that usually accompany the stomach flu.  i have a feeling that it’s from the banana muffins i baked yesterday.

the bananas were pretty ripe but when i peeled them, they didn’t look or smell bad.  how can you tell if bananas have gone bad aside from like, maggots or whatever hanging off of them?  they were pretty good too and yesterday, i ate 4 or 5 small muffins.  ok, they were large muffins but whatever.  DH had a couple and he’s fine but maybe he didn’t eat enough to shred his asshole.

so now, i have to put myself on the B.R.A.T diet – that means i have to eat bananas, rice, applesauce and toast until the shits go away.  that means i’m stealing applesauce from my child’s pantry.  what kind of mother steals her child’s food?  the mother with the ring of fire, that’s who.  for real yo, i’m in so much pain where the sun don’t shine that i feel like i’m sitting on a cattle prod.

so if any of you are suffering from leaky ass syndrome as i am, here are a few links that can help put a plug in it:


i have to use a diaper rash trick to wipe my burning arse: instead of using toilet paper which – after shitting like 300 times – feels like you’re wiping your ass with sandpaper, use Cetaphil on kleenex/toilet paper instead.  the Cetaphil is a mild skin cleanser and antiseptic and the coolness of the gel is ohmygod.  i won’t gross you out with the deets even though this post is gross anyway.  but yeah, Cetaphil, then use a warm wet cloth to wipe away any residue and then coat with polysporin.  the polysporin is not recommended for babies – use diaper rash ointment instead (which i thought of using but decided that slathering on a white sticky paste on my ass is not sexy).  let me tell you, that polysporin will be immediately chucked into the trash as soon as my shits go away.  so there you have it folks:  the trick to prevent irritation when your baby has a diaper rash and also for adults who happen to have the ring of fire from getting hammered the night before, eating too much spicey food or eating bad muffins.

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