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Twilight: character review

January 13, 2010

i am not a fancy-schmancy writer.  i usually don’t write “character reviews” and i haven’t written any kind of book report since elementary school but since i have been into the Twilight saga as of late and have thought about some of the characters in the book, i thought i’d enlighten the Twi-hard fans with my character review.  let me just say that i was pretty much the last of my crew to jump on the Twilight bandwagon.  i had heard of the series when it first came out but i’m not into supernatural stories – only if written by stephen king in the 1980s –  so when i found out that the books were about vampires and werewolves, i scoffed and i passed.  so how did i come to reading this saga you ask? well let me tell you my dear friends: i was bored.  there wasn’t anything captivating on tv and i didn’t have any trashy magazines on hand so i asked around for some book recos.  everyone suggested and raved about Twilight to which i replied: seriously? isn’t that a teeny-bopper book?

anyhow, to make a long story short, i borrowed Twlight from a friend and with a pretty narrow-minded perception of what i thought it was going to be, i opened the first page and began reading.  about 4hours later, i had finished the book.  i would not even talk to my husband during the entire book – i was that consumed.  so yes Twi-hard fans, i stand before you with egg on my face eating my words.  the saga is excellent.  i enjoyed it so much that i even sat down to watch the Twlight movie.  bad mistake – it was horrible and insulting to my eyeballs because the acting was downright terrible.  i think i watched that entire movie in 15mins; skipping to the good parts that i knew were coming.  whoever directed that movie should get a swift drop kick in the ass.  sorry stephanie meyer if that was you but that movie did your book wrong.

ok so i’ve re-read the books and have analyzed the main characters in the book.  i will detail my analysis and also offer my suggestions as to how to improve the characters in the saga.  lets start off with Edward and Bella.

after reading the books, i have come to the conclusion that edward and bella are assholes.  they annoy the fuck out of me.  edward not as much but because he’s in love with bella, he is therefore guilty by association and bella…. i could definitely do without.  while edward’s disposition and verbal cadences are irritating and vomit-inducing with his ‘oh i love thee with all my heart you have no idea how tempting you are to my soul my dear bella’ yada yada yada, his supernatural powers – strength, speed, good looks (i guess), the fact that he can kill people etc redeem his otherwise annoying character flaws.  i mean, he’s a fucking vampire for christ sake – act like one.  be badass and enjoy kicking some ass. he should use his mind-reading abilities to his advantage and wreak havoc on those who deserve it.  i do not know why he stops to think about how it will affect his soul.  i do not know why he has such inner turmoil about humping bella.  if you like her, hump her – how much simpler can it be?  let the bat enter the cave, my friend!  yes yes i know he doesn’t want to hurt her but shit, some women like rough sex and she’s always begging for it anyway so give her the hot beef injection.  or in his case the cold popsicle stick haha!  but for real, his whole gut-wrencing, internal struggle about his soul gets old fast.  um, hello, you are a vampire – you don’t have a soul.  if he was as smart and educated as he says he is, he would have read the bible and realized that God does not like vampires.  if there is no place in heaven for those who covet thy neighbour, i doubt God would make an exception for him.  so edward is cool in a vampire, supernatural sense but his gentlemanly-like attitude needs to stop.  immediately.

then there’s bella – God i hate bella.  she is human and boring; a useless tit and the biggest wannabe ever.  she is so not interesting i can’t believe that she’s the main character and prime focus of the saga.  she is selfish and a complete user – poor jacob!  she’s idiotic and stupid and i really do not like the way the author has written her character – to be this innocent, unknowing, regular human who has yet to tap into her supernatural powers which yeilds to be like, one of the strongest ones (whaever); who is supposedly a kind, selfless person and seems to always be the damsel in distress but not needing anyone to save her.  oh come on, seriously?  if she were really a kind, selfless person she wouldn’t have strung jacob along like that.  and that whole thing about her always tripping and hurting herself?  i really hated those parts.  to me, it felt as though the author wanted the readers to see and think just how human she is by doing ‘human’ things like triping or falling or acting like an idiot.  i mean, if she’s such a magnet for trouble why doesn’t she just die and put us out of our misery?  page after page, we read about this accident and that accident – why can’t there just be one big one where she doesn’t get saved?  why can’t edward just show up in her mind and say: yes bella, go and jump in front of that bus – everything is going to be ok….. psyche!  for real yo, she just needs to walk off a cliff and never come back.  i was hoping that during her extreme cliff diving experience, she would smash her head into a bunch of boulders and the crashing waves would wash her away from our lives.  or victoria would find her and eat her.  but alas no such luck.  so yes, bella is highly annoying and needs to get got.  and that’s all i have to say about that.

the rest of the cullens: emmett, jasper, esme, rosalie, alice and carlisle:

emmett – he could use some more character development.  i like his humour, his loyalty and his strength.  he was also hot in the new moon movie.  all we know is that he was changed because he was dying from a mauling and that rosalie found him.  i suppose it would be hard to develop his character more since he’s only the ‘muscle’ of the family.  kinda like a bouncer at a club – they’re there but you don’t really notice them unless there’s a fight know what i mean?

jasper – oooo, jasper is soooo interesting.  he’s one of the most interesting characters aside from carlisle.  i find his history fascinating as are his supernatural powers and fighting skills.  i’m glad he did have some pages dedicated to his history in eclipse but he needs more focus.  his internal battle between being a ‘vegetarian’ and being true to his nature is so mysterious and interesting.  it’s like that guy who always sits in the back of a classroom; brooding, and you wonder what he’s all about; what he’s thinking, where he’s from, what he does.  wouldn’t the book have been so much better if he did something like accidentally kill bella and drink her blood?  how do you think the cullens would react?  that would make for an interesting read don’t you think?  i would be curious to know how the author would mediate the fight – do you think edward would win? or jasper because of his fighting skills?  who would the other cullens side with?

rosalie – boring; who cares.  she’s a jealous, vain bitch. if you are jealous of bella, there’s something wrong with you and your vampire badge should be revoked pronto.

esme – boring; who cares.  she’s the pussy of the vampirical world.  yes, i know she’s supposed to be the ‘motherly’ one but she has no game at all.  the author didn’t even bother write about how she fared when they were preparing to fight the newborns.  i mean, even as boring as rosalie is, she’s a bitch and we all like to read about bitchy, catty characters becase we are haters at heart but there’s nothing to hate about esme.  she doesn’t even annoy me in the least bit. she’s just….there.  how interesting can that be?  it’s like a guy who you meet, he’s nice and ok looking, he treats you well but there’s no chemistry.  you’re about as attracted to him as you are to your brother.  he’s just… meh.  like esme.  meh.  as a vanpire, her coolness quotient is absolute zero.  really, i don’t think she even deserves to be vampire because she’s so boring.  i think she’s just someone for carlisle to fuck.  and going by the way she’s written in the book, she’s probably not great in the sack either. poor carlisle! having to abstain from blood and having a frigid wife haha! get it? frigid?  because she’s also a vampire? haha! i crack myself up.

alice – i like alice.  her powers are cool and her perky personality is charming….although, she seems pre-pubescent and jasper much older than she… isn’t that kind of like statutory rape?  i guess those kinds of laws don’t matter in the world of vampires.  i would like to know more about alice’s history.  the author should write about what alice thought about or how she felt when she was in the asylum and who her creator was, what kind of relationship did they have?  did she let him bone her?  i mean, if she lets jasper give it to her, surely an older man would be no problem?  haha ok i’m getting gross.  but i do like alice.  she definitely needs more pages dedicated to her past.

carlisle – a vampire doctor! you can’t get more intersting than that.  given the fact that he has to struggle with abstaining from human blood and working with it every day, well in my mind, carlisle is one badass motherfucker.  it’s like a recovering alcoholic working as a bartender.  i mean, doesn’t he get the least bit tempted?  doesn’t he just lick the tip of the scalpel once in a while?  if he doesn’t even have the urge to cheat, than that’s what i call determination and perseverance.  i really like carlisle’s character – he’s poised, charming, kind, well-mannered, educated… and he was homies with the volturi! AND left on his own accord!  it’s like being a part of jay-z’s entourage and then one day saying: yo, you guys are boring and i don’t agree with this pimping lifestyle; what with the abundance of human blood, having people tend to your every need, hot bitches i can fuck anytime, body guards 24/7 so i can be an asshole to whomever i want.. .this life sucks!  good-bye!  you gots to have some serious integrity and morals to leave a life like that.  of all the vampires in this saga, carlisle is the best.

the wolves:  really, all i care about is jacob.  the other guys: sam, quil, embry, seth – they’re ok but not worth for me to write about.  oh and i guess i should include leah but she’s whiny and annoying so i don’t feel like writing about her either.

i have to say jacob is my favorite.  at first i was on team edward but after a few pages of reading his tiresome drivel about his soul and going on about having to wander centuries alone and sad and finally finding bella, i chucked my team edward flag and hopped on board with team jacob.  he is so hot.  even in the book he sounds hot.  is it bad that in twilight when he was just 15 or 16, i lusted after him then?  and then when i saw his character in the new moon movie i wanted to rip my clothes off right then and there.  i only watched new moon for 2 reasons:  1) to see jacob shirtless (delish) 2) hoping that somehow the directors would give the audience a pleasant surprise and allow jasper to get a good swipe at bella during her birthday party.  no such luck.  but back to jacob.  i love his character – so innocent and puppy-dog like.  his loyalty and love for bella is frustrating but what’s even more frustrating is that the author sort of makes jacob sound like a dumb shit.  his phrases, comments, behavior… please don’t insult my jacob like that ms. meyer.  do not portray him in the american stereotypical image of native indians – uneducated, living in poverty (notice how jacob was always complaining about not having any money to buy car parts?), crippled or have some sort of handicap, living on a reserve. really ms. meyer, couldn’t the quileutes just have been regular citizens living in forks in regular homes instead of small, decrepit shacks on a reserve?  why not include that the kids on the reserve sniff glue and steal things and that billy black rapes women and is a raging alcoholic?

where am i going with this?  oh right, my analysis of jacob.  his character touches your vagina heart and his loyalty is heart-breaking especially when bella uses it as a soccer ball.  and to imprint on renesmee?  jacob, you disapoint me, grasshopper.  that whole story line about renesmee (what a gay name) was the stupidest thing i ever read. don’t get me started on breaking dawn – that was the most anti-climactic ending to a saga ever printed.   it’s like going to a shady ‘massage’ place, getting a repulsive disgusting tranny and then leaving without an orgasm and a bill.  that’s how i felt about breaking dawn.  the battle of the volturi should have been more gory and bloody; it should have ended someone’s life – preferably bella’s – but what happens?  bella saves the day.  yahoo.  for real, after i read that, i threw the book down in disgust.

oh, i forgot about the volturi.  i don’t care about the guards other than jane and alec.  they’re cool, creepy kid-vampires.  which reminds me – isn’t it sort of hypocritical of the volturi to keep jane and alec around when they destroyed all the immortal children?  and why didn’t anyone mention that, especially in breaking dawn?   it would be good if the author did some prequels of alec and jane and how they came to be vampires.  why did they choose to join the dark side?  who created them?  how old are they, really?  because in the movie, they seemed to be like, 10 or 12 years old.  do they really like being aro’s bitches and have to wait on him hand and foot?.

the volturi, as a group, are cool.  as individuals, everyone else seems to be in the shadows except for aro, what with his supernatural power, his evil master plan and secret fuckery to rid the vampire world of the second largest coven.  then he has his sidekick caius (which happens to be a very cool name) to egg him on and play good cop/bad cop.  and that other guy marcus – i don’t even know why he is around.  felix is kind of neat – i guess you need some ass-kicking guards but who i really find intersting is demetri.  aside from being a badass tracker i also want to know how he came to be a vampire.  how did he harness the power of his tracking abilities?  what’s he all about?  demetri wasn’t really mentioned often in the books but he’s shrouded in mystery and it’s implied that he’s lethal when he finds you.  not if he finds you, when he finds you.  that’s some scary shit – to have someone tracking your ass and you can’t hide anywhere in the world.  hmm.. i wonder if his tracking ability extends into outer space…. if bella were a cylon could he track her then?  i mean her memories would be ‘downloaded’ and she would be part robot and if demetri hones in on people’s minds or ‘frequencies’ does that work with a cylon?  surely they must be able to switch frequencies, right?  well, i guess it wouldn’t matter because cylons can resurrect so demetri could tear them apart and they’d just mosey on down to the resurrection chamber and show up again.

ok, i’m way off topic here.  this is what happens when i let my mind wander.

so there you have it folks:  my character review of the twilight characters. i hope you likey.

but i am looking forward to the eclipse movie.  i won’t watch it in the theateres because i can’t fast forward to all the jacob parts and i won’t be able to stomach the whole bella/edward barfiness so i will enjoy it in the comfort of my own home with my popcorn and vibrator drink.

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