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good-bye 2009. you kind of sucked

January 11, 2010

new year new blog.  i used to blog quite a bit on LJ.  that blog was dedicated to my daily experiences of being a first-time mom.  i wanted to catalogue all the ‘firsts’ of being a mother: first tooth, first word, first whatever.  it had lots of information about babies – sleep, feeds, what’s important, what’s not etc.  then i got fucked up and stopped blogging; or rather, i noticed that whenever i did blog, something bad would happen.  conicidence?  superstition?  who knows but that’s basically why i stopped blogging.  that, and the fact that i was fucked up.  which is why 2009 kind of sucked for me.  if you want to read my old blog, here it is:  http://tiredm0m.livejournal.com. i’ve abandoned LJ because of said superstitious silliness and also because some asshole named “cevilion” – who i think is a hacker of some sort – kept on adding me and i could never remove him from my friend list. so here’s a finger to you, cevilion, you motherfucker!  go hack someone else dillhole.

let’s get back to me being fucked up in 2009.  to make a long story short, i had kayla in june 2008, suffered from PPD, let it go untreated because i’m stupid, stubborn and thought i could do it all, my brain got fried (aka chemical imbalance), i morphed from a laid-back, cool kat to a fucked up, neurotic control freak who dropped from a healthy 130lbs to an anorexic 111lbs.  landed in the hospital with unknown severe stomach cramps (which the doctors never figured out),  family staged an intervention,  marriage pretty much on the rocks because of said craziness, went to a shrink, went on meds and now 5mos later, am normal once again.  it’s been a long hard road to recovery but i’m almost there.

i’ve wanted to start blogging for a long time.  i started on saturday but on saturday night, kayla woke up in the middle of the night and took her like, 2hrs to go back to sleep…which is not like her.  blogging related?  i’m convinced of it.  it can’t be coincidence that whenever i blog – WHENEVER I BLOG – some shit like this happens.  for some reason, the blog Gods do not want me to do this.  perhaps they’re telling me to clean the house instead of blogging.  so i fully expect a shit storm today because i’m finishing this post come hell or high water.

so much has happened i don’t even know where to begin.  my mind is trying to organize the events of 2009 (at least the good ones) into a coherent post but i have to get my daughter soon so i’m just going to do a mind-dump.  it’ll be random but like this blog – it’s my drivel take it or leave it!

  • we covered the fact that i was fucked up for most of 2009.  better now
  • still on meds and feeling pretty damn good and normal
  • i miss my husband.  it was like we were one person before kayla and during 2009, it felt like we had drifted apart.   it’s still hard because i isolated myself from our marriage; from him; so now that i’m better, we’re starting to get to know each other again.  strange isn’t it?  that after being with someone for 10yrs and knowing them inside and out, something like depression can shatter happiness and blanket the love you feel for those around you
  • i miss my sister. a lot.  she lives too far away for my liking! and her kids need to play with kayla more so geography is not a good excuse.  i am going to try and make more of an effort to go see her more often
  • i miss my friends.  it feels like i haven’t seen/talked to them in forever even though i saw them on saturday.  but i was too busy stuffing my face and rushing mabel to open her gifts because i had to leave to cook for a dinner party that same night
  • i don’t really want to go back to work…. which is weird for me because i love what i do.  i take pride in my work and my abilities and i never thought that being a mother would change that.  sadly, the funds won’t last forever so i’ll have to go back to work soon.  probably next month booo-urns!!
  • i was really into the holiday season this year.  because i felt like the depression conquered my life for all of 2009, i wanted to kick it’s ass out of 2010.  the happiness i felt/feel now that things are much better is overwhelming at times and i was so excited to see everyone.  i’m usually in the christmas spirit but not like this.  when i got my KK’s name, i started shopping for her gifts in november – a first for me since i’m usually the one running around on dec 24 wrestling around for last-minute gifts.  i took a lot of time and effort to put in a lot of extras, made special gifts for all of my friends and started tapping into my crafty side again with home made cards and gift packaging.  i thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.  my bedroom and closet, on the other hand, looked like it got hit by a bomb.  it was gift-wrapping and card-making madness
  • my kayla is growing fast.  she’s talking.  running.  laughing.  imitating.  joking.  i am so madly in love with her.  i feel horrible for not enjoying motherhood for the first year of her life so in a way, i’m kind of trying to make up for it (aka not working).  i love spending time with her.  however having said that, she does not rule my life.  i am still me – funny, friendly, open, honest.  motherhood doesn’t rule my life (anymore)
  • i’m taking time out for myself.  going out with friends.  making the effort to connect with those who are overseas.  talking to family.  telling everyone i love them.  that’s the one thing i learned from this depression – you will never feel as lonely as you will when you suffer from depression.  it makes you realize how important just living life for the moment really is.  the clarity it brings when the darkness lifts is incredible – i now always tell people i love them because you never know what tomorrow brings.  i have made amends with whom i begrudged because everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance
  • i changed from a decent-looking person into a haggard raggamuffin!  i blame it on motherhood and the fact that i no matter what i wear, i always get some sort of food stain on it from cooking, feeding kayla, playing around with kayla, cleaning the house etc.  you know you’re a haggard-looking beyotch when you always get called ‘maam’ by the younger folk.  so be damned stains and whatever comes with motherhood!  i’m going to start taking pride in my looks again and dress like a normal mommy instead of dressing like the babysitter (which i have been mistaken for numerous times).  so for the last 18mos, i’ve been living in bum clothes and crocs.  i will upgrade this to leggings and a decent top with real shoes
  • i am skinner than i was pre-pregnancy but getting healthy.  by healthy i mean i’ve been taking advantage of my skinniness and eating like a pig.  that is not good.  for the first time in my life, i’m able to wear skinny jeans and boots over skinny jeans.  i could never do that before because i have big legs and big calves.  when i dropped all that weight, i couldn’t even fit into a size 0 which is a bad thing health-wise but a good thing fasion-wise.  now i’m up to a healthy (?) 121lbs – still lighter than i was before kayla but i’m not sure about the healthy part.  if you consider eating almost half a box of cinnabons, a 10-piece kit-kat bar, most of the chocolate cupcakes i baked and then lying down to watch tv or read as ‘healthy’ then yes, i’m very healthy and have been ‘healthy’ for the past 4-5mos
  • i do not drink anymore but i do miss it.  oh so very much.
  • i have turned into a pill-popper.  to treat my depression, i’m on zoloft to keep me sane, rhovane to help me sleep and clonazapam to ease my anxiety.  i avoid any other type of meds if i can help it so stuff like advil or other pain/cold meds i won’t take if i don’t have to.  i don’t like being a pill-popper but as of next month when my shrink re-evaluates me, i may be able to go off the meds (even tho that kind of makes me nervous – i do NOT want to go back to that bad place
  • i enrolled kayla into daycare half days 5 days/week, mornings only.  she loves it.  i love it.  she loves it because she is facinated by other children and loves to learn and play.  i love it because it gives me time to myself and do things…. like blog.  but really i should do something more productive like clean this house because it’s a fucking mess
  • i am open and honest with myself and my feelings.  i was ashamed of my depression at first because of the stigma that is usually attached to this illness but i don’t care anymore.  yes i have depression.  yes i can freak out and be irrational at times but being open about what i’m going thru/what i went thru is extremely cathartic.  i’ve gotten so used to being uncensored about what i feel or what is on my mind with my shrink that i sometimes forget to turn the ‘filter’ on when i’m talking to other people
  • i’m excited about life and getting my life back on track

i’m going to be writing a post about my depression soon.  but for now, i’m enjoying this blogging moment.  in the coming days, there’ll be a blitz of posts as i begin to sort out my thoughts and start detailing what i’ve stored in my head.  i hope you enjoy reading this as much as i’ll enjoy writing it

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Melissa permalink
    January 12, 2010 12:08 am

    loved your humor and honesty, kat! keep blogging despite the superstitions – bad stuff will always happen, it's how you roll with it that matters 🙂 so happy 2010 is already looking up for you! can't wait to read more…xo Missy

  2. Leesh permalink
    January 12, 2010 11:16 pm

    So you were serious about blogging again. Good for you. I now have another blog to read. I am glad that you are eating again (I love seeing your tweets about kitkits, cinnabon, cupcakes etc…). In 2008, I went from 120 to 108 lbs because of something that happened in my life. It's a scary thing to lose that much weight. It's good that you got help for your depression and are getting treated. One small step at a time…Welcome back to the blogging world!

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